I Gargoyled

2006-03-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

I am the Gargoyle!

Click all pictures to enlarge!

The Count Gargoyle

2005-10-31T07:32:00.000-08:00

I vant to shit my pants!

Gargoyles and Vampires make strange bedfellows but this is 2005 and the multiculturalists have made sufficient inroads to bless this union. Begin the Vampire Gargoyle much the same as any of the previously described ‘goyles only throw in an additional fluid: blood. When you are staring at yourself hard in the mirror after a long night with Jose Cuervo and your reflection starts to blur with tequila cataracts and then altogether disappears because Dracula does not do mirrors, you better get out the garlic and the holy water because the booze is tearing the walls of your intestines like the endometrium of a uterus during menses and you are about to hemorrhage into the bowl worse than when your boyfriend punched you in the womb because he thought you were pregnant. If you are hemophobic snort ammonia as you Monster (S)Mash to keep from passing out, allowing you to maintain an upright position on the john. Follow the Universal Blood and Body Fluid Precautions as published by the CDC when cleaning up this Gargoyle as to prevent any undesired contact with your own bloodborne pathogens.

Vampires are famously sensual and sexual beings (see: Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise wearing fangs, a tuxedo and a cape in “Interview…”) and they typically gain access to victims’ inner sanctums and then jugulars by exercising their powers of seduction. Count Donny Masturbates All Over the Place, however, has not had a good meal in months. For whatever Mojo he might have with the ladies he spills into a sock each night as he watches them from their windowsill. Count Donny remains, then, forlorn, pasty, and hungry in his castle in Telford, a suburb of Transylvania. He also has a big head.

Red Cross Donor Alert: A blood types may only Gargoyle in other A types’ bathrooms. Vis-à-vis the B group. O groups, however, can Gargoyle in A groups, B groups or other O groups’ bathrooms as they see fit.

Little Known But Obvious Fact: Vampires don’t poop, as they don’t ingest solids. What they try to pass for a bowel movement might best be described as a desiccated hematoma.

Scouting Report:
Difficulty: Tougher than spotting the farmer’s tan on Wesley Snipes in “Blade.”
Intensity: Like getting pounded in the ass (so we’ve heard).
Clean Up Time: Immortal.

The Inappropriate Uncle

2005-07-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

Most uncles can fart on cue when you pull their finger but only the most inappropriate can gargoyle under their own volition when given this dactylic command. And this is notable because holding in a stewing gargoyle until the time proves exactly right is the only restraint these individuals exhibit in life. These guys are typically loaded, for instance, at every family function and sell pot to their nieces and nephews. The uncles’ impressive mastery of their own excretory system, then, can only be rightly compared to the laudable self control exhibited by Mr. Donny Beats during lent. To scout out these most inappropriate uncles look for ones that are unmarried, rock mullets, drink Piels by the twelve pack, and wear their Hawaiian shirts unbuttoned enough to show off unruly chest hair. The most nefarious will probably have only completed their education through junior college because they dropped out in order to franchise a Hollywood Tans.

A Philadelphia Story: Uncle Eddy Savitz, perhaps the most inappropriate of all persons to abuse the endearing designation “uncle,” was depravedly fond of soiled boys’ underwear. Were this perverse purveyor still alive today, he would be paying top dollar for the polluted drawers resulting from the many gargoyles catalogued on this site.

Scouting Report

Difficulty: Harder than the wood an I.U. (inappropriate uncle) pops when hanging out poolside with his underage bikini-clad niece.

Clean Up Time: More time consuming than picking out an I.U.s curlies from the sink after he shaved them off with your face razor.

Impressiveness: Yes, very impressive.

The Telemarketer

2005-06-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

Congradulations, you've just won a free change of underpants!

Just as aggravating telemarketers phone *67 at the dinner hour hawking visa cards, vacation plans and insurance policies this annoying gargoyle waits until you are eating and then employs high pressure sales techniques to make you purchase a bathroom time share of poop and vomit. Halfway through Mom’s undercooked chicken parm the line starts to ring in your stomach and gut and you wonder: who is this calling me? “Maybe it is my friend diarrhea” and like a friend calling, you look forward to the entertaining dialogue. But it sort of feels like throw up. This is like a call from Grandmom- you’re not thrilled about talking to her but in the end you feel better about yourself having done it. The last call you want to take, however, is from a fucking telemarketer and as the gargoyle brings you to your knees you scream “I told you assholes to stop calling me!” and you expel from both ends wishing you had taken the national Do Not Call List more seriously.

Leviticus
Overalls threw a bash for Jeans Brother associate Donny Beats-A-Lot and invited a veritable cast of igargoyled characters in addition to Blue and No including Mr. B, Henry Winkler and Dave Coulier. The occasion? Donny had blown his first load that was not completely initiated by himself (Donny erupted in his pants when a post-menopausal athletic trainer begin to massage and loosen up his shoulders in preparation for a Nukem scrimmage). This plus it was Donny’s birthday. Overalls was woking up some chicken for the guests and couldn’t help but snack on the chicken while still raw (Overalls has poor self control- see Coach’s Son, re: walking and beating off). As Overalls plops down dinner for the guests the salmonella in his gut mate and multiply into salmonellae sending Overalls speed dialing to the toilet. “That’s our Dad!” the Jeans brothers brag as the distinctive tones of the gargoyle ring throughout the downstairs, whetting everyone’s appetite.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: Harder than getting a sales caller to believe your parents are actually in the shower. Both of them.
Irritation Factor: Like diaper rash.
Clean Up Time: Longer than the message on your answering machine promising fame, fortune and bigger genitals from some guy in Minnesota wearing a headset.

The Arthur Fonzarelli

2005-06-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

No caption necessary

Eyyyy…..Blaahhh!

The never obsolete captain of cool continues to spread his influence on what is now his grandkids’ generation like polmade on a comb over. To execute this extremely hip gargoyle, face the wall like a dunce and mount the toilet like it’s a straight-backed chair at Arnold’s. Lift the lid off the tank as smoothly as the Fonz lifts girls’ V cards at the hop and spew into the top and bottom like a turbo charged soda fountain. To flush, swiftly punch the puke box like the Fonz at the juke box.

Inside Edition: Jeans brothers associate Donny Beats-a-lot stays up all hours of the night watching Crappy Daze reruns hoping to see the rumored lost episode where Chiachi does it with Joanie. The episode has yet to materialize but Donny Beats imagines what the gratuitous scenes might look like as he jumps his own shark in the shower.

Little Known Hollywood Fact: Henry Winkler used to tape his lines to the wall in back of the toilet and memorize them while sitting backwards on the John making his Henry Stinklers.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: Parallel to Richie Cunningham driving in his member at the drive-in
Intensity: As intense as the dude from your high school that still wears his leather sleeved varsity jacket
Clean up time: Approximately 13 minutes to get the barf out of the toilet top, 1 flush, and hours/days/months of explaining if you are ever caught performing this bass ackwards act.
Special thanks to Todd Van Allen

The Upper Decker

2005-05-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

Let the sherpa guide you to the height of your gargoyle potential

Set up a deferred annuity account, without consulting a financial planner, in the bathroom of someone you loathe by climbing on top of the toilet and smashing in the tank, thus establishing a principle balance that will sustain withdraws with each flush into the foreseeable future. Allow yourself to be overtaken with the nauseating vertigo brought on by the extreme height and puke into the bowl below. Future defecators will be confused and frustrated when they go to clear their own poop and the “fresh” water is as brown as the muddy delta of the Mississippi.

Climbing to such altitudes to increase the gravitational potential energy of your crap does not come without risks. Like a Phillies fan seated in the 700 level of the Vet, you may experience nose bleeds, hypoxia and ultimately death. Give your body a chance to acclimatize to the thinner atmosphere by training on first floor toilets. Then, when you are ready for the big show, lighten your burden by hiring a Sherpa or any other asian you can find to carry your gear and hand up toilet paper when you are through with the upper deck.

Heard on the Street: The Jeans brothers have been hired by the Mentos company to produce one of their weird ass commercials. The ad opens to a housewife mopping the kitchen floor barefoot and squeezing her crotch, indicating her need to urinate. When she runs into the bathroom to relieve herself she finds Blue Jeans perched on top of her tank pinching one out. She mouths, “What the fuck are you doing?!” but Blue Jeans just grins and holds up a half-eaten package of Mentos. She then smiles back like a Buddha receiving Total Consciousness. No Jeans, being the extremely particular director that he is and unhappy with the continued look of consternation on the woman’s face upon seeing Blue dumping into the top of her toilet, demanded so many retakes of the final scene that Blue Jeans ingested a good four to five packs of Mentos before the bitch finally got it right, causing Blue to puke into the bowl below from the overdose.

Genesis:

Mr. B, a long time Jeans brothers associate and prolific gargoyler, originated the Upper Decker one night at an after Winter Dance party. Having been passed up by his long time crush who instead double dated the Jeans brothers that night, Mr. B goes stag to the dance dressed in an eight ball jacket and crashes his crush’s after party uninvited. Falling through the front door drunk and disorderly with three rancid tuna hoagies under his armpit for himself and his friends Blue and No, Mr. B is greeted with stares and whispers as the only two welcoming people at the party are in the basement double finger-banging their date. Discouraged, Mr. B seeks refuge in the upstairs master bedroom where his crush was conceived and buries his insecurities deep inside his gut along with the three hoagies.
Slowly working up the courage to go back downstairs to ask his crush to go steady, Mr. B makes himself beautiful in the bathroom mirror by picking all of the tuna out of his teeth. All the sudden Mr. B feels the hoagies sprinting down his descending colon to the finish line and, not wanting to interrupt his preening, Mr. B climbs on top of the toilet so he can continue to see his reflection in the bowl water. The foot long hoagies roar out undigested and more rancid than ever into the upper tank causing Mr. B to lose his balance and fall backwards anus-first onto the flotation mechanism, which reverses the flow of his GI track like a civil war ram rod producing vomitus onto his newly dolled up reflection in the bowl below.

Little known fact- Mr. B the entrepreneur invented his own water shooting ass/vagina cleanser called the B-day®.

Scouting Report

Difficulty: More difficult than obtaining a copy of No Jeans Upper Decker and Topps shelf rookie card. The one that says “Fuck Face” on the nub of his bat.
Intensity: Like climbing Mt Everest without supplemental oxygen
Clean up time: Depends how handy you are with a goldfish scooper, but if left untreated, months.

The Bizarrgoyle

2005-05-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

The Bizarrgoyle: More complex than just switching the color in MacPaint from Brown to Green.

Break the mold and gargoyle outside the box and into the twilight zone by puking out your ass and shitting out your mouth. While no one has proof that such a phenomenon exists, Blue Jeans swears by his pants that he totally Kris Krossed himself out one fateful Opposite Day. “No Jeans kept calling me dingleberry breath. Obviously you can’t have dingleberries without poop. It’s like the chicken and the egg. I pooped out my mouth and I’m lucky, because had I’d been more fastidious and wiped properly I wouldn’t have any proof.” Pressed for further evidence Blue Jeans offered, “The janitor came in and threw sawdust on my ass puke. You don’t put sawdust on poop.” There you have it. But until we can investigate this matter further, or at least until we obtain a more objective and unbiased affidavit, we will file this gargoyle alongside the records we keep on UFOs, Sasquatch, the JFK assassination and certain STDs.

Bonus: For added effect turn off the lights and shine a flashlight underneath your chin as you Bizarrgoyle.

Hollywood Moment: David Duchovny, who plays second fiddle special agent Fox Mulder on the hit show the X Files, cultivates the unusual and Bizarrgoyles like the true method actor he has always been.

Scouting Report

Difficulty: Out of this world
Intensity: What do you think!
Clean Up Time: A lifetime of coping and countless hours of therapy
Likelihood of Bizarrgoyling: Winning the lottery, being struck by lightning, twice, wrestling with Big Foot, Blowing Nessey, Seeing a ghost, having hot chocolate with the Abominable Snowman, and getting laid by a REAL woman all in one day

The Coach's Son

2005-04-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Put me in coach, I'm ready to goyle!

Swing Batter! Except that you shouldn’t be at the plate in the first place or even on the team because you blow at sports but your mesh hat wearing Dad happens to be called coach by your 15 reasonably able-bodied teammates and has put you in to bat clean up (pun intended). Like your spot on the roster, The Coach’s Son Gargoyle doesn’t deserve to be on the list in its own right but only made it because of pulled strings and triggers. Following a routine number two you forcibly reproduce your lunch by jamming your fingers down your throat just to brag to your friends that you gargoyled.

Genesis (As told by Blue Jeans)

No Jeans, who couldn’t be bothered to wear pants even for athletic contests, won a spot on the township little league team the Telford Orioles despite his dearth of talent thanks to the no-cut rule enforced by our father/league commissioner, Overalls. (Although it’s true that the Jeans brothers have no proper mother (see Showstopper comments, re: spawning) we do have a father. While hiking and beating off along the waters edge of the nuclear power plant runoff, Overalls inadvertently fertilized the mutated eggs laid by our mother of unknown origin and species). No Jeans, unfortunately and fortunately, broke his ankle after sliding head first into second in the season opener and he spent most of the season bare-assing the pine. He rehabilitated himself, to the rest of the team’s chagrin, just in time to reclaim his position in short outfield for the championship game. With his team up by a run in the top of the ninth, No Jeans shit the bed and, for added measure, shit his materially assless jock strap when he dropped a routine pop up just behind second base allowing two runs to score. With his team down by a run and looking for a miracle going into the bottom of the ninth, No Jeans, automatically disqualified after his fecal indiscretion in short center, aimed to lead his team with his spirit because he couldn’t do it with his bat. No Jeans turned his cap inside out and encouraged his teammates with the old boot and rally by sticking his fingers down his throat. Because of his efforts the Orioles lost when the first three batters struck out one, two, three, so they could clear the field and get the hell away from No Jeans as soon as possible.
-This is the word of Blue Jeans.

When dumping’s become a bore
and you want something more…coach’s son, coach’s son
Go Ahead and pull the trigger
like a girl watching her figure…coach’s son, coach’s son
Let rip a great Gargoyle
Without the usual sweat and toil…coach’s son, coach’s son
It’s oh so easy and so very fun
To exaggerate your accomplishments with the coach’s son…coach’s son.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 0
Clean Up Time: Don’t bother. You wanted to gargoyle this badly, wear your filth like a badge of courage
Fake Factor: Worse than your girlfriend during intercourse

The Vile 8 Mile

2005-04-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

eminem going platinum

Finally a gargoyle for white suburban kids who rap battle. Or try and rap battle, that is, until they get too nervous like B Rabbit and detonate an assplosion.

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Yo, His ass is sweaty, stomach weak, toilet paper’s heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, No Jean’s spaghetti
He's nervous, because his bowels are loose and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
To flush down, the previous user left the water brown
His farts are so loud, he opens his sphincter
But the poo won't come out
He's chokin’ (his chicken), from the smell everybody's chokin’ now
The clock's run out, time's up over, blaaaaaaaaa!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
There goes Blue Jeans, he gargoyled
Oh boy, his jeans are soiled
He's so weazy, but he won't give up that eazy
It don't matter, it’s only crap
He knows that clean up will be a snap
He's so pleased that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lav(atory) again yo
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

You better lose yourself in the goyle, the (bowel) movement
You own it, you better always let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow (chunks and crap)
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!

Difficulty: As difficult as keeping it Real.
Offensiveness: Worse than the N word.
Clean Up Time: Faster than you can spit rhymes.
Talk amongst yourselves: Trailer homes are neither trailers nor proper homes. Discuss.

The Show Stopper

2005-04-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

Don't be a dummy...buckle-up-chuck and poop while doin it.

If you don’t like a girl that you are dating but you don’t know how to tell her perform the Show Stopper- that is, Gargoyle while having sex. This Gargoyle is like saying “it’s not you, it’s me” but without using any words. It’s coitus interruptus to the grossus maximus. You will be exchanging so much fluid, she should be the one wearing the rain coat!

Little Known (Hollywood) Fact: Dave Coulier (Joey Gladstone) decided to give his relationship with Alanis Morissette the ole “cut it out” by executing the Show Stopper. Displeased by this, Alanis retaliated by writing the hit song “You Oughta Know” which in turn caused millions of radio listeners to gargoyle (see Canadian Gargoyle).

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 9
Offensiveness: Off the freakin’ charts. Only Will Hunting can fathom such a high number.
Clean Up Time: Throw everything away and start over
Sexiness: 0. (Wenn Du eine Deutsche bist, gibt es eine glatte 10!)

Theme Song: “Don’t Stop Believing”- Journey.

The Warpath

2005-04-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

Send in the Cavalry!

If your stomach is suffering succotash and your butt is sending out smoke signals and maybe you’ve got a turtle Pocahonting out, make a reservation with the nearest restroom and ride that porcelain horse bare back because you won’t have time to make use of any protective teepee on the seat before you Sit Bull. Just as your ass custard is making it’s last stand, divert the charging fire water away from your mouth (see Blocked Punt) and out your nose such that it scalps your sinuses and triggers the lachrymal reflex to produce a trail of tears down your warpainted cheeks. The precipitous loss of fluids due to the Warpath is comparable to an all night session in a sweat lodge and will leave you feeling as light as a feather (not a dot). Finally, tomahawk flush your excrement down the peace pipes so that it may rejoin the Great Spirit.

Extra Credit: Make the Warpath a Seminole event by climaxing your totem pole while massaging your Sacajawea.

Fun things to do on a rainy day: Dig out your poop and make it into a canoe. Shave your pubes into a mohawk.

Where Warpath Gargoyles are commonly found: Once a plentiful form of gargoyling found all across the great United States with a large concentration in the Great Plains Region are now usually limited to casino and lowly ale house tavern bathrooms.

Little Known Fact: “Blue Jeans” and “No Jeans” are both proper and common Native American names. “Happy Hunting Grounds” is the name of a local seedy wigwam where No Jeans received his first hand job from one of the resident squaws.

Scouting Report (on a scale from 0 to Last of the Mohicans)
Diffculty: As difficult as scoring with one of the Grey Hair’s daughters
Intensity: As intense as the scene where Magua ate that dude’s heart.
Clean Up Time: As long as it took to sweep up Major Duncan Heyward’s ashes after being burnt alive.
Political Correctness/ Cultural Awareness: 0

The Mesmerizer

2005-03-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

you are getting nauseated…very nauseated…
watch the poo flush at your own risk

This ride is worse than the tea cups at Great Adventure. The victims of this Gargoyle can’t help but visually follow their recently departed as it swirls down into the septic netherworld until their own rotating deuce induces (is that chiasmus?) vomitus. The Mesmerizer Gargoyle is best executed with floaters so that the terd has the chance to reach maximum angular velocity (and give you a greater case of the spins) before disappearing from the bowl. Further, since additional items in the water may draw your attention from the singularly rotating dootie, it’s best not to add any toilet paper. Be suspicious, therefore, of anyone who has Mesmerized as they may not be in the habit of wiping their ass*.

*look for future gargoyle The Dirty Sanchez.

To our friends Down Under: Is this Gargoyle just as effective when the poop swirls counterclockwise? Get back to us.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 8
Intensity: 7
Clean Up Time: fast

The Ugly Woman

2005-03-26T10:38:00.000-08:00

Through the five hole...nuttin but bowl
As an alternative to the trash can or the floor puke through the 5 hole while sitting on the John. Remove your tackle from harm’s way by reaching around your back side and tucking your unit up towards your crack. Collimate your vomit stream by puckering your lips like when you whistle or administer fellatio.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 8
Intensity: 7
Clean Up time: the flush of a toilet
Favorite Movie: The Crying Game

“One shot one kill.” -Tom Berenger in The Sniper

Genesis (as written by No Jeans)
Blue Jeans (see picture in profile) created the Ugly Woman at an after prom party at his date's house. After numerous body shots and sour tuna hoagies Blue Jeans found himself rockin' the bowl with his appellative blue jeans tight around his ankles. Of the mind to give his never to be seen again date an extreme ATM (Ass to Mouth) to remember him by, Blue Jeans credit card swiped his filthy unwiped ass with his own wang. Comparing the similarities between the current position of his crotch to the hairy bush of a female Blue Jeans exclaimed, "By God I'm an ugly woman!" Stricken by the novelty of the situation, Blue Jeans feels the need to see with his own eyes his butt and penis (two very important members of his life) meet for the first time. Alas! As he bent over to take a closer look he loses inner ear equilibrium and hurls through his legs with sniper like precision.
-This is the word of No Jeans.

All-American Gargoyle

2005-03-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

I invented the All-American Gargoyle!

This Gargoyle is as American as baseball, apple pie and your Mom (who is a fat pig and a slut). To Gargoyle a la Americana, puke into the waste basket and simultaneously poop into the can. If you yourself haven’t executed this gargoyle, dollars to donuts you know someone who has because this is far and away the most common gargoyle. The All American gargoyle results most often food poisoning and binge drinking (5+ drinks in one sitting, if you’re a pussy. 20+ drinks in one sitting if you’re a real man, like Lincoln Hawk)

George Washington, the father of America, fittingly founded the All American Gargoyle. As legend has it, Martha accidentally gave George the bug E. Coli via the fecal-oral route while she prepared fish and chips for dinner one evening in early 1776. George blamed his subsequent food poisoning on British fare, which after the Stamp Act and the Boston Massacre was the last straw needed to break Washington’s camel and he promptly declared war on Britain. In a chat with now famous Betsy Ross, George summed up his terrible night: “My bloody shit stained my white chamber pot red and I puked until I was blue in the face.” Ross, with an auditory penchant for colors and a flare for sewing incorporated the three colors from George’s night into the new red, white and blue American flag. The Gargoyle, then, played a critical role in establishing the United States as the undisputed heavy weight powerhouse of the world that it is today.

Hollywood Moment: George C. Scott auditioned for and won the lead in Patton by executing a perfect All American.

Scouting Report
Difficulty (1-10): 2.5
Intensity (1-10): 3
Clean Up Time: 2 minutes
Patriotism (1-10): 10

Mexican Gargoyle

2005-03-23T07:24:00.000-08:00

Yo soy el gargoyle mexicano
The Mexican (a.k.a. Montezuma’s Revenge)

The Mexican Gargoyle is a two-part drama. Act one: Enter the smelliest shit of your life stage bottom. Curtains close- end of Act 1. Act Two: Curtains rise to you eyeing your own pud and entertaining thoughts of beating it. Visibility drops to zero, however, as opaque stink lines waft from the bowl and into your face. Your olfactory glands capitulate and your stomach turns its contents inside out and all over the floor.

Bonus: Become an illegal Mexican alien residing in America by puking into the trash can instead of on the floor.

Cheap shot at the opposite gender: Women most often execute the Mexican Gargoyle because they have extremely weak stomachs that match their weak bodies and weak minds.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 2
Offensiveness: 4
Clean Up Time: Very fast- most Mexicans have janitorial experience.

Remember the Alamo!

Canadian Gargoyle

2005-03-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

"I'm aboot to boot!"
The Canadian is in effect the opposite of the Mexican gargoyle in terms of sequence. In this case your puke first then poop. Just as Canada pushes itself like H-E-double hockey stick to emulate its more awesome, better looking, smarter, and bigger southern neighbor, the Canadian Gargoyle happens when you push too hard when vomiting so that you end up with a dooty in your pants. We know Canada is cold but this is entirely the wrong way to heat things up.

Little Known Fact: Canadian Gargoyles were really invented by America but we decided that they were not big and powerful enough to be American so we gave them to our weaker little sister

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 4
Intensity: 4.5
Clean Up Time: 2 wash cycles and 1 dry (~1 hour and 15 minutes)
Number of Gargoyles on Northern Exposure: 0

The NAFTA Trifecta

2005-03-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

freely traded bowel movements
As notable and rare a feat as the Triple Crown in horse racing or baseball, the NAFTA Trifecta goes to those individuals talented enough to execute The All American, The Mexican and The Canadian Gargoyles within their lifetime. As far as we can tell no one has yet to even come close.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 10
Intensity: 10
Clean Up Time: See summation of above Gargoyles

The Blocked Punt

2005-03-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

Warning: Attempting the Blocked Punt may result in retardation or death!
Who has two thumbs and doesn’t want to gargoyle? This Guy!
If you feel a Gargoyle coming on and you are quick enough to do something about it, stick one thumb in your mouth and the other up your butt. Warning! Trying to stop a Gargoyle once it has started is like trying to stop the moon from setting or the sun from rising or trying to stop a freight train with your bare hands or trying to damn a raging river with toothpicks or trying to hold off premature ejaculation with thoughts of a JV boys high school soccer match. In other words, those who attempt the Blocked Punt will most often meet with failure but those who are successful in stopping up the Gargoyle flow holes will find themselves avoiding a potentially embarrassing (or awesome) situation.

Hollywood Moment: John Candy, who plays fatso Chet Ripley in the movie The Great Outdoors, blocked not one but two Gargoyles during his conquest of the “96’er” steak. The scenes were later deleted in order to maintain the film’s PG rating.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 10
Intensity: 8
Clean Up Time: 0 minutes (if successful) a lifetime (if unsuccessful)