All-American Gargoyle

I invented the All-American Gargoyle!

This Gargoyle is as American as baseball, apple pie and your Mom (who is a fat pig and a slut). To Gargoyle a la Americana, puke into the waste basket and simultaneously poop into the can. If you yourself haven’t executed this gargoyle, dollars to donuts you know someone who has because this is far and away the most common gargoyle. The All American gargoyle results most often food poisoning and binge drinking (5+ drinks in one sitting, if you’re a pussy. 20+ drinks in one sitting if you’re a real man, like Lincoln Hawk)

George Washington, the father of America, fittingly founded the All American Gargoyle. As legend has it, Martha accidentally gave George the bug E. Coli via the fecal-oral route while she prepared fish and chips for dinner one evening in early 1776. George blamed his subsequent food poisoning on British fare, which after the Stamp Act and the Boston Massacre was the last straw needed to break Washington’s camel and he promptly declared war on Britain. In a chat with now famous Betsy Ross, George summed up his terrible night: “My bloody shit stained my white chamber pot red and I puked until I was blue in the face.” Ross, with an auditory penchant for colors and a flare for sewing incorporated the three colors from George’s night into the new red, white and blue American flag. The Gargoyle, then, played a critical role in establishing the United States as the undisputed heavy weight powerhouse of the world that it is today.

Hollywood Moment: George C. Scott auditioned for and won the lead in Patton by executing a perfect All American.

Scouting Report
Difficulty (1-10): 2.5
Intensity (1-10): 3
Clean Up Time: 2 minutes
Patriotism (1-10): 10