The Warpath

Send in the Cavalry! 

If your stomach is suffering succotash and your butt is sending out smoke signals and maybe you’ve got a turtle Pocahonting out, make a reservation with the nearest restroom and ride that porcelain horse bare back because you won’t have time to make use of any protective teepee on the seat before you Sit Bull. Just as your ass custard is making it’s last stand, divert the charging fire water away from your mouth (see Blocked Punt) and out your nose such that it scalps your sinuses and triggers the lachrymal reflex to produce a trail of tears down your warpainted cheeks. The precipitous loss of fluids due to the Warpath is comparable to an all night session in a sweat lodge and will leave you feeling as light as a feather (not a dot). Finally, tomahawk flush your excrement down the peace pipes so that it may rejoin the Great Spirit.

Extra Credit: Make the Warpath a Seminole event by climaxing your totem pole while massaging your Sacajawea.

Fun things to do on a rainy day: Dig out your poop and make it into a canoe. Shave your pubes into a mohawk.

Where Warpath Gargoyles are commonly found: Once a plentiful form of gargoyling found all across the great United States with a large concentration in the Great Plains Region are now usually limited to casino and lowly ale house tavern bathrooms.

Little Known Fact: “Blue Jeans” and “No Jeans” are both proper and common Native American names. “Happy Hunting Grounds” is the name of a local seedy wigwam where No Jeans received his first hand job from one of the resident squaws.


Scouting Report (on a scale from 0 to Last of the Mohicans)
Diffculty: As difficult as scoring with one of the Grey Hair’s daughters
Intensity: As intense as the scene where Magua ate that dude’s heart.
Clean Up Time: As long as it took to sweep up Major Duncan Heyward’s ashes after being burnt alive.
Political Correctness/ Cultural Awareness: 0