The Inappropriate Uncle

 


 


Most uncles can fart on cue when you pull their finger but only the most inappropriate can gargoyle under their own volition when given this dactylic command. And this is notable because holding in a stewing gargoyle until the time proves exactly right is the only restraint these individuals exhibit in life. These guys are typically loaded, for instance, at every family function and sell pot to their nieces and nephews. The uncles’ impressive mastery of their own excretory system, then, can only be rightly compared to the laudable self control exhibited by Mr. Donny Beats during lent. To scout out these most inappropriate uncles look for ones that are unmarried, rock mullets, drink Piels by the twelve pack, and wear their Hawaiian shirts unbuttoned enough to show off unruly chest hair. The most nefarious will probably have only completed their education through junior college because they dropped out in order to franchise a Hollywood Tans.

A Philadelphia Story: Uncle Eddy Savitz, perhaps the most inappropriate of all persons to abuse the endearing designation “uncle,” was depravedly fond of soiled boys’ underwear. Were this perverse purveyor still alive today, he would be paying top dollar for the polluted drawers resulting from the many gargoyles catalogued on this site.

Scouting Report

Difficulty: Harder than the wood an I.U. (inappropriate uncle) pops when hanging out poolside with his underage bikini-clad niece.

Clean Up Time: More time consuming than picking out an I.U.s curlies from the sink after he shaved them off with your face razor.

Impressiveness: Yes, very impressive.