Monday, October 31, 2005

The Count Gargoyle

I vant to shit my pants!

Gargoyles and Vampires make strange bedfellows but this is 2005 and the multiculturalists have made sufficient inroads to bless this union. Begin the Vampire Gargoyle much the same as any of the previously described ‘goyles only throw in an additional fluid: blood. When you are staring at yourself hard in the mirror after a long night with Jose Cuervo and your reflection starts to blur with tequila cataracts and then altogether disappears because Dracula does not do mirrors, you better get out the garlic and the holy water because the booze is tearing the walls of your intestines like the endometrium of a uterus during menses and you are about to hemorrhage into the bowl worse than when your boyfriend punched you in the womb because he thought you were pregnant. If you are hemophobic snort ammonia as you Monster (S)Mash to keep from passing out, allowing you to maintain an upright position on the john. Follow the Universal Blood and Body Fluid Precautions as published by the CDC when cleaning up this Gargoyle as to prevent any undesired contact with your own bloodborne pathogens.

Vampires are famously sensual and sexual beings (see: Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise wearing fangs, a tuxedo and a cape in “Interview…”) and they typically gain access to victims’ inner sanctums and then jugulars by exercising their powers of seduction. Count Donny Masturbates All Over the Place, however, has not had a good meal in months. For whatever Mojo he might have with the ladies he spills into a sock each night as he watches them from their windowsill. Count Donny remains, then, forlorn, pasty, and hungry in his castle in Telford, a suburb of Transylvania. He also has a big head.

Red Cross Donor Alert: A blood types may only Gargoyle in other A types’ bathrooms. Vis-à-vis the B group. O groups, however, can Gargoyle in A groups, B groups or other O groups’ bathrooms as they see fit.

Little Known But Obvious Fact: Vampires don’t poop, as they don’t ingest solids. What they try to pass for a bowel movement might best be described as a desiccated hematoma.


Scouting Report:
Difficulty: Tougher than spotting the farmer’s tan on Wesley Snipes in “Blade.”
Intensity: Like getting pounded in the ass (so we’ve heard).
Clean Up Time: Immortal.