The Coach's Son

Put me in coach, I'm ready to goyle! 

Swing Batter! Except that you shouldn’t be at the plate in the first place or even on the team because you blow at sports but your mesh hat wearing Dad happens to be called coach by your 15 reasonably able-bodied teammates and has put you in to bat clean up (pun intended). Like your spot on the roster, The Coach’s Son Gargoyle doesn’t deserve to be on the list in its own right but only made it because of pulled strings and triggers. Following a routine number two you forcibly reproduce your lunch by jamming your fingers down your throat just to brag to your friends that you gargoyled.

Genesis (As told by Blue Jeans)

No Jeans, who couldn’t be bothered to wear pants even for athletic contests, won a spot on the township little league team the Telford Orioles despite his dearth of talent thanks to the no-cut rule enforced by our father/league commissioner, Overalls. (Although it’s true that the Jeans brothers have no proper mother (see Showstopper comments, re: spawning) we do have a father. While hiking and beating off along the waters edge of the nuclear power plant runoff, Overalls inadvertently fertilized the mutated eggs laid by our mother of unknown origin and species). No Jeans, unfortunately and fortunately, broke his ankle after sliding head first into second in the season opener and he spent most of the season bare-assing the pine. He rehabilitated himself, to the rest of the team’s chagrin, just in time to reclaim his position in short outfield for the championship game. With his team up by a run in the top of the ninth, No Jeans shit the bed and, for added measure, shit his materially assless jock strap when he dropped a routine pop up just behind second base allowing two runs to score. With his team down by a run and looking for a miracle going into the bottom of the ninth, No Jeans, automatically disqualified after his fecal indiscretion in short center, aimed to lead his team with his spirit because he couldn’t do it with his bat. No Jeans turned his cap inside out and encouraged his teammates with the old boot and rally by sticking his fingers down his throat. Because of his efforts the Orioles lost when the first three batters struck out one, two, three, so they could clear the field and get the hell away from No Jeans as soon as possible.
-This is the word of Blue Jeans.


When dumping’s become a bore
and you want something more…coach’s son, coach’s son
Go Ahead and pull the trigger
like a girl watching her figure…coach’s son, coach’s son
Let rip a great Gargoyle
Without the usual sweat and toil…coach’s son, coach’s son
It’s oh so easy and so very fun
To exaggerate your accomplishments with the coach’s son…coach’s son.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 0
Clean Up Time: Don’t bother. You wanted to gargoyle this badly, wear your filth like a badge of courage
Fake Factor: Worse than your girlfriend during intercourse

The Vile 8 Mile

eminem going platinum 

Finally a gargoyle for white suburban kids who rap battle. Or try and rap battle, that is, until they get too nervous like B Rabbit and detonate an assplosion.


Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Yo, His ass is sweaty, stomach weak, toilet paper’s heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, No Jean’s spaghetti
He's nervous, because his bowels are loose and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
To flush down, the previous user left the water brown
His farts are so loud, he opens his sphincter
But the poo won't come out
He's chokin’ (his chicken), from the smell everybody's chokin’ now
The clock's run out, time's up over, blaaaaaaaaa!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
There goes Blue Jeans, he gargoyled
Oh boy, his jeans are soiled
He's so weazy, but he won't give up that eazy
It don't matter, it’s only crap
He knows that clean up will be a snap
He's so pleased that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lav(atory) again yo
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

You better lose yourself in the goyle, the (bowel) movement
You own it, you better always let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow (chunks and crap)
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo!


Difficulty: As difficult as keeping it Real.
Offensiveness: Worse than the N word.
Clean Up Time: Faster than you can spit rhymes.
Talk amongst yourselves: Trailer homes are neither trailers nor proper homes. Discuss.

The Show Stopper

Don't be a dummy...buckle-up-chuck and poop while doin it. 

If you don’t like a girl that you are dating but you don’t know how to tell her perform the Show Stopper- that is, Gargoyle while having sex. This Gargoyle is like saying “it’s not you, it’s me” but without using any words. It’s coitus interruptus to the grossus maximus. You will be exchanging so much fluid, she should be the one wearing the rain coat!

Little Known (Hollywood) Fact: Dave Coulier (Joey Gladstone) decided to give his relationship with Alanis Morissette the ole “cut it out” by executing the Show Stopper. Displeased by this, Alanis retaliated by writing the hit song “You Oughta Know” which in turn caused millions of radio listeners to gargoyle (see Canadian Gargoyle).

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 9
Offensiveness: Off the freakin’ charts. Only Will Hunting can fathom such a high number.
Clean Up Time: Throw everything away and start over
Sexiness: 0. (Wenn Du eine Deutsche bist, gibt es eine glatte 10!)

Theme Song: “Don’t Stop Believing”- Journey.

The Warpath

Send in the Cavalry! 

If your stomach is suffering succotash and your butt is sending out smoke signals and maybe you’ve got a turtle Pocahonting out, make a reservation with the nearest restroom and ride that porcelain horse bare back because you won’t have time to make use of any protective teepee on the seat before you Sit Bull. Just as your ass custard is making it’s last stand, divert the charging fire water away from your mouth (see Blocked Punt) and out your nose such that it scalps your sinuses and triggers the lachrymal reflex to produce a trail of tears down your warpainted cheeks. The precipitous loss of fluids due to the Warpath is comparable to an all night session in a sweat lodge and will leave you feeling as light as a feather (not a dot). Finally, tomahawk flush your excrement down the peace pipes so that it may rejoin the Great Spirit.

Extra Credit: Make the Warpath a Seminole event by climaxing your totem pole while massaging your Sacajawea.

Fun things to do on a rainy day: Dig out your poop and make it into a canoe. Shave your pubes into a mohawk.

Where Warpath Gargoyles are commonly found: Once a plentiful form of gargoyling found all across the great United States with a large concentration in the Great Plains Region are now usually limited to casino and lowly ale house tavern bathrooms.

Little Known Fact: “Blue Jeans” and “No Jeans” are both proper and common Native American names. “Happy Hunting Grounds” is the name of a local seedy wigwam where No Jeans received his first hand job from one of the resident squaws.


Scouting Report (on a scale from 0 to Last of the Mohicans)
Diffculty: As difficult as scoring with one of the Grey Hair’s daughters
Intensity: As intense as the scene where Magua ate that dude’s heart.
Clean Up Time: As long as it took to sweep up Major Duncan Heyward’s ashes after being burnt alive.
Political Correctness/ Cultural Awareness: 0