The Mesmerizer

 

you are getting nauseated…very nauseated…
watch the poo flush at your own risk 



This ride is worse than the tea cups at Great Adventure. The victims of this Gargoyle can’t help but visually follow their recently departed as it swirls down into the septic netherworld until their own rotating deuce induces (is that chiasmus?) vomitus. The Mesmerizer Gargoyle is best executed with floaters so that the terd has the chance to reach maximum angular velocity (and give you a greater case of the spins) before disappearing from the bowl. Further, since additional items in the water may draw your attention from the singularly rotating dootie, it’s best not to add any toilet paper. Be suspicious, therefore, of anyone who has Mesmerized as they may not be in the habit of wiping their ass*.

*look for future gargoyle The Dirty Sanchez.

To our friends Down Under: Is this Gargoyle just as effective when the poop swirls counterclockwise? Get back to us.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 8
Intensity: 7
Clean Up Time: fast

The Ugly Woman

Through the five hole...nuttin but bowl 
As an alternative to the trash can or the floor puke through the 5 hole while sitting on the John. Remove your tackle from harm’s way by reaching around your back side and tucking your unit up towards your crack. Collimate your vomit stream by puckering your lips like when you whistle or administer fellatio.


Scouting Report
Difficulty: 8
Intensity: 7
Clean Up time: the flush of a toilet
Favorite Movie: The Crying Game

“One shot one kill.” -Tom Berenger in The Sniper

Genesis (as written by No Jeans)
Blue Jeans (see picture in profile) created the Ugly Woman at an after prom party at his date's house. After numerous body shots and sour tuna hoagies Blue Jeans found himself rockin' the bowl with his appellative blue jeans tight around his ankles. Of the mind to give his never to be seen again date an extreme ATM (Ass to Mouth) to remember him by, Blue Jeans credit card swiped his filthy unwiped ass with his own wang. Comparing the similarities between the current position of his crotch to the hairy bush of a female Blue Jeans exclaimed, "By God I'm an ugly woman!" Stricken by the novelty of the situation, Blue Jeans feels the need to see with his own eyes his butt and penis (two very important members of his life) meet for the first time. Alas! As he bent over to take a closer look he loses inner ear equilibrium and hurls through his legs with sniper like precision.
-This is the word of No Jeans.

All-American Gargoyle

I invented the All-American Gargoyle!

This Gargoyle is as American as baseball, apple pie and your Mom (who is a fat pig and a slut). To Gargoyle a la Americana, puke into the waste basket and simultaneously poop into the can. If you yourself haven’t executed this gargoyle, dollars to donuts you know someone who has because this is far and away the most common gargoyle. The All American gargoyle results most often food poisoning and binge drinking (5+ drinks in one sitting, if you’re a pussy. 20+ drinks in one sitting if you’re a real man, like Lincoln Hawk)

George Washington, the father of America, fittingly founded the All American Gargoyle. As legend has it, Martha accidentally gave George the bug E. Coli via the fecal-oral route while she prepared fish and chips for dinner one evening in early 1776. George blamed his subsequent food poisoning on British fare, which after the Stamp Act and the Boston Massacre was the last straw needed to break Washington’s camel and he promptly declared war on Britain. In a chat with now famous Betsy Ross, George summed up his terrible night: “My bloody shit stained my white chamber pot red and I puked until I was blue in the face.” Ross, with an auditory penchant for colors and a flare for sewing incorporated the three colors from George’s night into the new red, white and blue American flag. The Gargoyle, then, played a critical role in establishing the United States as the undisputed heavy weight powerhouse of the world that it is today.

Hollywood Moment: George C. Scott auditioned for and won the lead in Patton by executing a perfect All American.

Scouting Report
Difficulty (1-10): 2.5
Intensity (1-10): 3
Clean Up Time: 2 minutes
Patriotism (1-10): 10

Mexican Gargoyle

Yo soy el gargoyle mexicano 
The Mexican (a.k.a. Montezuma’s Revenge)

The Mexican Gargoyle is a two-part drama. Act one: Enter the smelliest shit of your life stage bottom. Curtains close- end of Act 1. Act Two: Curtains rise to you eyeing your own pud and entertaining thoughts of beating it. Visibility drops to zero, however, as opaque stink lines waft from the bowl and into your face. Your olfactory glands capitulate and your stomach turns its contents inside out and all over the floor.

Bonus: Become an illegal Mexican alien residing in America by puking into the trash can instead of on the floor.

Cheap shot at the opposite gender: Women most often execute the Mexican Gargoyle because they have extremely weak stomachs that match their weak bodies and weak minds.



Scouting Report
Difficulty: 2
Offensiveness: 4
Clean Up Time: Very fast- most Mexicans have janitorial experience.

Remember the Alamo!

Canadian Gargoyle

"I'm aboot to boot!" 
The Canadian is in effect the opposite of the Mexican gargoyle in terms of sequence. In this case your puke first then poop. Just as Canada pushes itself like H-E-double hockey stick to emulate its more awesome, better looking, smarter, and bigger southern neighbor, the Canadian Gargoyle happens when you push too hard when vomiting so that you end up with a dooty in your pants. We know Canada is cold but this is entirely the wrong way to heat things up.

Little Known Fact: Canadian Gargoyles were really invented by America but we decided that they were not big and powerful enough to be American so we gave them to our weaker little sister


Scouting Report
Difficulty: 4
Intensity: 4.5
Clean Up Time: 2 wash cycles and 1 dry (~1 hour and 15 minutes)
Number of Gargoyles on Northern Exposure: 0

The NAFTA Trifecta

freely traded bowel movements 
As notable and rare a feat as the Triple Crown in horse racing or baseball, the NAFTA Trifecta goes to those individuals talented enough to execute The All American, The Mexican and The Canadian Gargoyles within their lifetime. As far as we can tell no one has yet to even come close.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 10
Intensity: 10
Clean Up Time: See summation of above Gargoyles

The Blocked Punt

Warning: Attempting the Blocked Punt may result in retardation or death! 
Who has two thumbs and doesn’t want to gargoyle? This Guy!
If you feel a Gargoyle coming on and you are quick enough to do something about it, stick one thumb in your mouth and the other up your butt. Warning! Trying to stop a Gargoyle once it has started is like trying to stop the moon from setting or the sun from rising or trying to stop a freight train with your bare hands or trying to damn a raging river with toothpicks or trying to hold off premature ejaculation with thoughts of a JV boys high school soccer match. In other words, those who attempt the Blocked Punt will most often meet with failure but those who are successful in stopping up the Gargoyle flow holes will find themselves avoiding a potentially embarrassing (or awesome) situation.

Hollywood Moment: John Candy, who plays fatso Chet Ripley in the movie The Great Outdoors, blocked not one but two Gargoyles during his conquest of the “96’er” steak. The scenes were later deleted in order to maintain the film’s PG rating.


Scouting Report
Difficulty: 10
Intensity: 8
Clean Up Time: 0 minutes (if successful) a lifetime (if unsuccessful)