The Coach's Son

Put me in coach, I'm ready to goyle! 

Swing Batter! Except that you shouldn’t be at the plate in the first place or even on the team because you blow at sports but your mesh hat wearing Dad happens to be called coach by your 15 reasonably able-bodied teammates and has put you in to bat clean up (pun intended). Like your spot on the roster, The Coach’s Son Gargoyle doesn’t deserve to be on the list in its own right but only made it because of pulled strings and triggers. Following a routine number two you forcibly reproduce your lunch by jamming your fingers down your throat just to brag to your friends that you gargoyled.

Genesis (As told by Blue Jeans)

No Jeans, who couldn’t be bothered to wear pants even for athletic contests, won a spot on the township little league team the Telford Orioles despite his dearth of talent thanks to the no-cut rule enforced by our father/league commissioner, Overalls. (Although it’s true that the Jeans brothers have no proper mother (see Showstopper comments, re: spawning) we do have a father. While hiking and beating off along the waters edge of the nuclear power plant runoff, Overalls inadvertently fertilized the mutated eggs laid by our mother of unknown origin and species). No Jeans, unfortunately and fortunately, broke his ankle after sliding head first into second in the season opener and he spent most of the season bare-assing the pine. He rehabilitated himself, to the rest of the team’s chagrin, just in time to reclaim his position in short outfield for the championship game. With his team up by a run in the top of the ninth, No Jeans shit the bed and, for added measure, shit his materially assless jock strap when he dropped a routine pop up just behind second base allowing two runs to score. With his team down by a run and looking for a miracle going into the bottom of the ninth, No Jeans, automatically disqualified after his fecal indiscretion in short center, aimed to lead his team with his spirit because he couldn’t do it with his bat. No Jeans turned his cap inside out and encouraged his teammates with the old boot and rally by sticking his fingers down his throat. Because of his efforts the Orioles lost when the first three batters struck out one, two, three, so they could clear the field and get the hell away from No Jeans as soon as possible.
-This is the word of Blue Jeans.


When dumping’s become a bore
and you want something more…coach’s son, coach’s son
Go Ahead and pull the trigger
like a girl watching her figure…coach’s son, coach’s son
Let rip a great Gargoyle
Without the usual sweat and toil…coach’s son, coach’s son
It’s oh so easy and so very fun
To exaggerate your accomplishments with the coach’s son…coach’s son.

Scouting Report
Difficulty: 0
Clean Up Time: Don’t bother. You wanted to gargoyle this badly, wear your filth like a badge of courage
Fake Factor: Worse than your girlfriend during intercourse